Bond

[cuppa_q]

Taking a break from picking apart the computers in the Lab, Q was currently home alone- Bored. Bored was never a good thing for the boffin to be, it tended to get him in trouble, and he was currently making a mess in the bedroom, clothes all over the floor from where he'd been digging in the closet for the few tools he'd scavenged over the past few months. Between the piles of clothes were several deconstructed phones he'd found on the beach, all in various states of disrepair. ...And, of course, right in the center of the chaos sat Q himself.

He knew Bond wouldn't be impressed by the mess (Harry seemed less likely to mind), but that, on some level, was part of what he was up to. He was bored and irritating Bond was one way to entertain himself.

Comments

[cuppa_q]

"And I don't expect you to," Q assured him. "I appreciate your interest in cheering me up, it's very kind."

[0_0_7]

"I don't like seeing you down, Q," Bond said. He paused. "I know you're dreadfully bored here. You could use some excitement."

[cuppa_q]

"I could," Q agreed quietly. "At home when things got dull or I hit a brick wall, there were certain clubs I'd go to or people I'd call, but I'm a bit shut off here. I'm learning to adapt though."

[0_0_7]

"Certain clubs..." he said, looking at Q to prompt him for details.

[cuppa_q]

Q didn't follow up though, instead, he turned to the kettle and poured his tea.

"I'll be fine in a day or so," he assured the other man.

[0_0_7]

Bond wasn't put off. He set the bottle aside and gave up on his search for a corkscrew. He moved to Q and once the hot kettle was down he took hold of him and jerked him close.

"I don't want you to have to suffer for a day or two," he said.

[cuppa_q]

There were things in his life that Q didn't want to drag Bond or Harry into, and though Q usually melted under Bond's attention, this time he pushed him back slightly.

"James," he said softly.

[0_0_7]

"Q," he replied, searching the man's gaze. He found little but a warning, and yet he didn't let go. He was aware of the man's tastes...he could guess.

[cuppa_q]

Those piercing blue eyes would be the death of him, Q was sure of it.

"The doors I shut aren't to keep you out, they're for your protection," Q said softly. "There are parts of me you don't need to see. Things from my past you never need to know. My mood will pass, the desires will fade. It'll be alright, James."

[0_0_7]

"They don't have to fade. I could be what you need," Bond pressed.

[cuppa_q]

"I'm certain you could. I'm sure you could be what I desire beyond what I've even dreamed of in my darkest fantasies. ...That's why it's dangerous. Not for me, but for you. I know you Bond- The things I crave, the things I've allowed..."

Q pulled away and took a calming breath.

"You'd never forgive yourself. You're a good man, James, this isn't for you."

[0_0_7]

"You think Ive never done that?" he asked. "Done that and worse?"

[cuppa_q]

"With someone you care for?" Q countered, making his cuppa and focusing on the tea to try and keep a level head. "With someone who wasn't just a fun night, or worse, a mission?"

[0_0_7]

That made Bond stop. In truth, he could only answer 'no'. He'd never done anything remotely close with anyone he'd cared for because he had never genuinely cared for anyone.

"What's the difference?" he asked, rather than admit he was in the dark.

[cuppa_q]

"The difference is I push people too hard- And the sort of men who like that, who want to go as far as I take it... They aren't good men. They don't feel regret when real harm is done. I believe you would, and I never want you to resent me or feel like you're someone you're not. I care for you too much to let that happen. You and Harry both," Q said quietly.

[0_0_7]

"How far do you take it," was Bond's simple question.

[cuppa_q]

"Too far," Q said quietly. "I have encouraged terrible things- Allowed awful, brutal things."

Yes, some of that came from having it thrust upon him first. There was truth to trauma breeding trauma- But Q didn't see it that way. In Q's eyes, he was simply toxic to himself and others.

"I'm trying to be better."

[0_0_7]

Bond nodded. He feared the worst, having been through awful brutal things himself. The North Korean prison, time in China, the incident with Le Chiffre...Bond understood pain and fear. What he could hardly wrap his mind around, though, was asking for such brutality.

"Is it something you genuinely enjoy?" he asked without judgement. He honestly wanted to understand.

[cuppa_q]

"Enjoy might not be the right word," Q admitted. "It's a bit more complex than that. I don't enjoy the pain, but it does trigger something in me I don't otherwise know how to reach. It's euphoric, and devastating, but- I want it. I gain something from the misery of it."

[0_0_7]

"Hmm," he replied thoughtfully. "And you don't have that release here? Not even from the nurse?" he asked.

[cuppa_q]

"Hex and I only ever spoke of our common interests, nothing ever came of it. Even if something had though, I don't think I'd be comfortable sharing that with him now that Harry and yourself have become such a large part of my life. I'd prefer to limit my intimacy to you and him alone," Q said honestly.

[0_0_7]

"Is it something you would ask of either of us?" Bond asked, pausing a moment before adding, "I could do that."

[cuppa_q]

"I wouldn't do that to you or Harry," Q said calmly. "Perhaps some slightly watered down version, but not that."

He paused then and exhaled a sigh. "I'm certain you could do it- Perhaps better than any partner I've had before. ...I like how untainted things are for us though, James. I feel safe with you- The men in my past, it was never safe or loving, not really. It was a deeply twisted pantomime of what sadomasochism should be in that sort of relationship. It was just people looking to harm and be harmed- No care, no love. Just..."

Q fell silent when he was certain he heard someone walk by, then waited to be sure they were alone still before speaking again.

"I roamed very far from being taken over a lover's knee, and I'm not sure I'll get the same high if I try and go back to what would be classified as safe and sane."

[0_0_7]

Bond wondered what would prompt Q to do something like that. What the appeal was. A high, surely, but at what cost? He could see the weight of this secret, the way Q held his body and how he spoke in hushed tones. He was actually a bit flattered that Q clearly trusted him enough to confide in him.

He reached over and laid his hand on Q's arm.

"I want you to always feel safe," he said, pushing for no more information.

[cuppa_q]

Q seemed startled by the touch, as though he expected Bond to be repulsed.

"Thank you," he said softly. "That means a lot to me, James."